Has Your Partner Changed?




by Jennifer Good













It's an unfortunate event when we realize our partner may not be the

same person they used to be. For whatever reason, something has caused them to look at life or your relationship differently. Is it a reason to look at ending the relationship? Or is the change something you should ignore and hope goes away? The answer really lies somewhere in between.

There are many factors that can make a person seem different than who they were. Just the process of aging can cause major shifts in attitude and viewpoints. Some people believe that once they get married or have a baby they should act in a certain way. Stress, employment changes or health problems can also cause temporary attitude adjustments.

So how do you begin to broach this subject with your partner?

First, you need to determine the cause.


Is It You or Them?
When you feel your partner has changed in some significant way, the first thing you need to do is make sure the change is actually from them. Don't make the common mistake of thinking your partner is being different when in actuality you are the one who's made the change.


Has There Really Been a Change?
Then make sure the change you perceive is actually accurate. Are you sure they weren't always that way, but now the behavior just rubs you the wrong way? Or, is their lack of attention now something you can't deal with? If you went into a relationship knowing a person was a certain way, but you internally expected that to change, you can't really expect your partner to understand why you're upset.

How's Your Life?
Life has a way of throwing things at us that we aren't always prepared for. You might have physically prepared for some event, but emotions are a little trickier to anticipate. Also, some events could trigger past emotions that were thought to be long gone. If either of you are going through a rough patch or an emotional time, give your partner a little adjustment space. In addition, do things to keep you both physically and mentally attached, such as date nights or unexpected romantic encounters.

Next, you need to discuss the problem.

This step can feel difficult for some people because by the time they realize they need to address the issue, there can be a lot of resentment or pent up emotion involved. In order to get through this, you'll need to find a way to remain objective and calm when communicating with your partner. If the change stemmed from a specific event, it would be a good starting point to deal with the unresolved issues that must still exist. If the cause was something less obvious, it probably developed as a habit.

A habit, thankfully, can be broken with a little conscience effort. When you are both able to have an uninterrupted open and frank discussion about the matter, let your partner know the about the changes you've noticed and how they are making you feel. Let them have their equal time to speak about the issue as well. It's quite possible they made their change based on a change they perceived from you. Make it clear your intention is to find an agreeable resolution not to place blame.

When you are both in agreement that a problem exists, each of you should write down or voice your ideas for solving the issue. If for example the issue is you believe you should be more intimate, maybe an agreement to set aside one night a week as "your" intimate time would be a workable solution. Take turns planning the night. If one partner has ceased being romantic, you can make an agreement to do five random "little" things each week for each other. At the end of the week, see if you can guess what each thing was.

If the changes in your partner are something dramatic such as substance abuse, gambling or other negative behaviors, schedule some time to go talk to a counselor.

Remember, everyone changes, in order to keep the relationship going, you just have to make sure you're changing in the same direction.

Communication: The Art Of Listening


by [url=mailto://bob@lovingyou.com?Subject=Art Of Listening]Bob Narindra[/url]







When a relationship goes sour, one of the first things to suffer is communication. If you can't communicate with each other, then there is no possible way to salvage the relationship. The thing to do is to prevent communication from ever being a problem. One of the most important aspects of this is to learn how to be a good listener. Listed below are a few guidelines to help you achieve this.

• Give Them Your Undivided Attention
  When your lover wants to talk, put everything else out of your mind and actually be there with them while they are talking. You cannot possibly listen to them if you are thinking about other things you would rather be doing, or have to do.
  
  
  
• Listen To What Is Actually Being Said
  This is especially true if you are in a disagreement. It is very easy to pick out the things in what your partner is saying that you want to hear and can throw back at them. This is not some high school debate class where you score points for winning an argument, this is your sweetheart and your actions here and now will dictate the course of the rest of your life together!
  
  
  
• Look At Them When They Are Talking To You
  Have you ever tried to talk to someone that refused to make eye contact with you? It is very disheartening, especially when you have something important to say. When talking with your sweetie, actually look at them and not around the room.
  
  
  
• Notice The Hidden Emotional Tone Of Your Partner
  Very often, your partner won't say exactly what is on their mind straight away and it is up to you to draw them out. By looking for their emotional tone, through their body language, voice inflections etc., you will get a very good indicator of what is actually bothering them and also how it is affecting them.
  
  
  
• Acknowledge Your Partner
  A correct acknowledgement can very often completely resolve a dispute in one go. It has a two-fold effect: 1. It tells your partner that you have heard and understand what they are saying and 2. It makes them feel better by releasing some of the emotional baggage that may have built up on the subject. A good rule of thumb when there is a lot of emotional baggage attached to a situation, is to acknowledge them by repeating in your own words what they have just said to you.
  
  
  
• Remain Calm
  If your sweetheart is angry, very often they will lash out at you because you are there and are someone they can take their frustration out on. While this may not be pleasant and the most ideal way to handle a situation, I'm afraid it is part of the job description of being a sweetheart. Realize that it is just a way for your sweetie to vent and resist the urge to get angry back, it will only make things worse.